


Ruled By Secrecy

by Sashataakheru



Category: Electric Light Orchestra, The Move
Genre: Angst, Blackmail, Community: au_bingo, Drug Use, Dubious Consent, Multi, Sex, Suicidal Thoughts, Violence, gender/body dysphoria, vague implied mentions of rape/non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-14
Updated: 2011-01-14
Packaged: 2017-10-14 18:36:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/152239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sashataakheru/pseuds/Sashataakheru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bev's been fighting so long to keep his past history a secret, but when it ends up not so much of a secret anymore, and with his life spiralling out of control, it's Roy who's there to pick up the pieces and try and save him from falling further into the gutter. Set 1974.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. ...And I've Seen A Bloody Shadow

**Author's Note:**

> **Canon Event Changed:** (Because I feel it should be explained as I doubt most of you don’t know these bands’ histories as well as I do.)  
>  It’s a complicated combination of ‘Bev is a transguy but no one knows’, 'everything falls apart in 1970 when Jeff joins The Move' and 'Electric Light Orchestra disbands in 1972 when Roy leaves’ that leads to 'The Move reforms in 1974 to rapturous applause.' Sort of. Something like that. :D? Shut up, this is as close to a 'canon event' as I get, okay? XD
> 
>  **Additional Notes:**  
>  In this AU, medical transition for trans* people is a little more advanced than it was at the time, but it's haphazard and experimental and not organised in any serious way. The few doctors that treat these kinds of patients are found through word of mouth because advertising can bring trouble and they care enough to keep their patients safe.

The last client had finally left. He’d grunted disgustingly and thrust pathetically before tripping over his own feet as he left Bev lying on the bed, silent, naked, dirty and numb. Bev had long since stopped caring about the wads of cash they left by his bed; it wasn’t his to keep so there was no point in worrying about it.

Bev had no energy left to move. His whole body ached. He lay there on the bed in the dim light. Maybe he would sleep, but he didn’t think he would. The bed was sapping his energy, tying him down and smothering him. There was a shadow devil haunting the wall opposite him, and Bev was sure it would steal his soul one day.

How had it got this bad? Bev wasn't sure, and he didn't think he really remembered anymore. Even now, Bev couldn’t quite understand why Jeff had done this to him. Jeff kept saying he was protecting him, but it was hard to understand how whoring him out to the entire Birmingham music scene was protecting him. But Bev knew he had no choice. Jeff knew his secret and used it to secure his obedience, even though it wasn’t much of a secret anymore.

For all the bad things Jeff had done, though, it had been Trevor who’d got him hooked on acid. After a particularly bad night, Bev had found himself at Trevor’s place, asking for something to make all the pain go away. Trevor had offered him a release, and Bev let it all go. Now it was the only thing that got him through it; it helped him detach and pretend he was elsewhere. It wasn’t that Bev was addicted either; acid had become part of his coping mechanism because it was the only thing that stopped him remembering what he went through every week.

Then, someone was fucking him, trying to get him to move. Bev couldn’t really see his face properly, but he knew who he was. Jeff was tying him down and smothering him. Bev had no strength or power to resist, and the act of pinning his wrists into the bed wasn’t necessary. Bev focused his gaze on a spot of ceiling off to his right, past the shoulder of the man on top of him currently thrusting inside him, to where the smiling face of an angel was gazing down at him.

Bev barely felt the slap to his face. Then he was lying on the bed again and he was left alone. In the doorway, another man appeared, shorter and more insecure, avoiding Jeff’s gaze as he left the room. Bev hardly noticed. Roy crossed the floor and knelt beside the bed, taking Bev’s limp hand in his.

“Why d’you keep doing this?”

Bev closed his eyes and turned away from him. “I kep telling y’not t’come here.”

“Bev, please, if I don’t get you outta here, I’m scared I’m gonna lose you, and I need you,” Roy said quietly.

“I just can’t move, Roy. I can’ feel anything,” Bev murmured. Sheer exhaustion had overtaken any will to speak or move or get out of this shithole. His eyes closed and darkness took over. His mind desperately reached for sleep.

“You okay, Bev?” Roy pressed a hand to Bev’s forehead. Bev didn’t react. “Ahh, shit, you’re coming home with me. I can’t leave y’here like this.”

Wrapping him up in the quilt on the bed to keep him warm, Roy left to find Jeff. He’d need his help to move him. He found Jeff outside, smoking as he leant against the wall. Roy looked up at him, resisting the urge to punch him.

“He’s out cold. Help me shift him, will you? You do care enough to do that, don’t you?” Roy said.

Jeff ignored him as he took a drag on his cigarette, blowing the smoke into the air. “Alright, alright, stop with the guilt trip. I’m coming, alright?”

“That I even have to ask says all I need to know. He’s staying with me tonight,” Roy said.

Jeff took a final drag on his cigarette before squashing it underfoot. “Yeah, whatever.”

Jeff followed him back inside. Bev was still unconscious, and he lay limp in Jeff’s arms as he carried him out to Roy’s car. Bev came round a little as they drove, but didn’t wake. Jeff was sat in the back with him, Bev’s head resting in his lap. Jeff stared out the window, avoiding looking at them.

They carried Bev up to Roy’s room in silence. Laying him down on the bed, Bev shifted a little, as if he wanted to wake but couldn’t find the energy to do so. Roy sat beside him, stroking his hair gently. Jeff stood back against the wall, gazing absently at them.

“This has to stop, Jeff. You can’t just keep doing this to him. He’s getting worse, surely even you can see that. I don’t want to see him destroyed by this, but he will be if you keep abusing him,” Roy said softly, angry enough to risk a confrontation with him.

Jeff laughed off the accusations. “Nah, he's alright. He can handle it, can't yeh, Bev?”

Roy got to his feet and turned to face him. “If you were doing this to me little sister, you'd be in gaol already, but no one cares about him, no one thinks he exists, so that makes it alright, does it? He's vulnerable and slips through the cracks, so you can see fit to do whatever you like to him so his secret's kept. Well, it's not much of a secret now, is it? How on earth is any of this doing him any good? He lies here, drugged out of his mind like Ace and Trevor used to be, and for what? I don't want him to end up like Ace. I saw what he went through, Jeff. I saw it. So don't you pretend he's fine because he isn't. He's scared and traumatised and he's too vulnerable to fight back. I think it's time I took him back from you before it's too late.”

Jeff regarded him coolly, surprised at how long it had taken Roy to grow some balls and stand up to him. “Don't bother, you’ll never save him. He’ll always belong to me.”

Roy glared at him angrily, pointing towards the door. “Get out of my house, Jeff. I don't want you here any more. I don’t know how you can sleep at night, knowing what you’ve done to him.”

Jeff shrugged as he ignored him. He lit another cigarette, glancing over his shoulder as he left. Roy gazed at Bev and decided this could go on no longer. Bev was close to being destroyed if Roy didn’t get him out of there soon. He just hoped he had the strength to keep him safe.

* * *

Bev shivered with cold and wrapped the quilt around his body. If he kept it close enough, he wouldn’t be hurt. Whatever sense of direction he normally had was gone. He had no idea which way was up. All he wanted to do was curl up and sleep. He didn’t notice Jeff carrying him to the car, or from the car, or into Roy’s house to lay him on the bed. Roy sat beside him and gently rested a hand on his arm. Bev flinched and pulled away, wrapping himself tighter into the quilt.

“Please, don’t,” came a soft whimper.

“Bev? It’s me, Roy. You’re alright now, I promise,” Roy said softly, trying not to scare him.

“Not safe. Never safe,” Bev replied.

Roy gently lifted the quilt away from his head and watched him curl up even tighter, burying his head under his arms. “Come on, Bev. It’s okay. He’s not here anymore.”

“Always there. Never leaves me alone,” Bev murmured.

Roy brushed his hair gently and shifted so he was cradling Bev’s head in his lap. Bev barely protested besides a soft whimper and a hand clawing at Roy’s shirt. “You’ll be okay. He won’t hurt you anymore. I’ll get you away from all this shit,” he murmured, stroking his hair gently in a bid to calm him.

Bev shivered. He was in no state to believe anything Roy was saying. All he could see were strange patterns on the wall and Jeff’s mark and Bev knew he would never be alone.

* * *

Roy didn’t leave his side until he’d come down. Bev eventually calmed and consented to curling up against Roy’s body under the quilt to keep them both warm. Roy wasn’t sure what he wanted to do, run away, or confront the trouble. What he did need to do was get Bev the hell away from that world, or he’d be ruined, and he cared about him too much to let him waste away as some fucktoy.

Roy wrapped an arm around his shoulder, holding him close. Bev clutched onto him, seeking his reassurance and protection now that he knew he was safe. Eventually, Bev fell asleep. Roy didn’t sleep, however. He had to watch over him. He was sick of doing this. He was always left to clean up, to deal with the repercussions of Jeff’s actions. Roy was at the point where he didn’t care how well they worked together in the band; what was going on outside of it was doing more harm than good and Roy wanted no part in it anymore.

When Bev had told him his secret, Roy had sworn to keep it til death. He understood how dangerous it could be if it got out that Bev didn't have a dick. Bev had told him about meeting people who knew him when he was younger who kept misgendering him since he'd started living fulltime as a man. And then, well, then Jeff had come along. Roy wasn't entirely sure of some of the details, but he understood Jeff had justified it as a way of knowing who Bev was sleeping with, a way of keeping him safe and with people who he trusted. But once the secret was out, there was no stopping it, and the price just got higher and higher as they bribed their way into his bed.

* * *

Bev felt better once he’d woken. It was daytime at least, and sunlight streamed gently into the room. He knew why his whole body ached, it was the only reason why his body ever ached the way it did, but he would resolutely ignore that. Roy was still beside him, apparently dozing. Bev lay there, getting used to being awake and not high and relatively normal again. Roy woke as Bev shifted and gazed up at him.

“Hey. You okay?” Roy said, smiling at him.

“Been worse.” Bev paused. “Thanks.”

“Someone’s gotta look out for you,” Roy said.

“What did you say to me last night? All I remember is your voice,” Bev said after a moment’s thought.

“I said I’d take you away from all this. Just you and me,” Roy said.

“Do you think he’d let us?” Bev said, looking up at him anxiously.

“I don’t care if he will or not. You’re not staying here. You’re better than that,” Roy said.

“Where would we go?” Bev said.

Roy hugged him tighter and pressed a kiss to his head gently. “Anywhere but here.”

There was reassurance in his words. Bev could believe him, and shared his desire to leave. “I-I should thank you properly. For last night,” Bev said.

“I do it every week. Last night was nothing special,” Roy said.

But Bev would not be put off. Truth be told, once Roy saw what Bev was doing, he wasn’t sure he wanted to stop him either. Bev straddled his hips and kissed him, grinding against him. Roy hadn’t taken advantage of Bev like that before. It had seemed wrong, somehow, that he was just adding to the abuse, rather than distracting from it.

It was the first time they’d had sex, lost in the moment together. Roy didn’t use force, it wasn't in his nature, Bev could just enjoy it for once without the threat of violence hanging over his head. Bev leant against him once they were done, clutching onto him tightly.

“Are you sure we can get out of here?” Bev murmured.

“He won’t stop us, not really. We’ll go somewhere else, start again. No more drugs this time, no more sex for money, just you and me and the music,” Roy said.

“I could live with that. I don’t want to do this anymore. You look after me,” Bev said.

“Well, someone has to if he won’t,” Roy said.

Bev sighed and fought back the urge to cry. “I think I’d be dead without you.”

“Be thankful you’re not,” Roy said.

“Thanks for letting me, you know - I was never sure if you ever would,” Bev said.

“Felt wrong, so I never did it. You got enough of that shit from Jeff and the others. You didn’t need it from me too, not when you were so vulnerable,” Roy said.

“I’m not vulnerable, I’m not weak. I’m just-” Bev tried to protest against the insult, but he knew he was right. Acid always made him vulnerable to everything, especially Jeff and his clients, guys from other bands interested in fucking a tranny. A whore. A girl pretending to be a man. Bev regretted ever telling Jeff his secret.

“It’s okay. You don’t need to prove yourself to me.”

Roy held him tighter as he began to cry. Only Roy ever saw this side of him. Bev felt too threatened to allow anyone else into his heart, not after what Jeff had done. Roy did his best to reassure him, hoping his confidence that they would be able to leave was well-founded.

* * *

They left two days later in the dead of night. Bev had needed the time to recover. Packing everything they felt they had enough room for, they drove off, leaving what was once home behind them as they headed for London. Neither looked back. Neither wanted to. All that was left were broken promises and shattered dreams, and an old friend descending into madness.

* * *

A few hours later, they arrived in London. It was early morning, and barely any traffic was around. They stopped by the side of the Thames. Neither had spoken much during the journey. There hadn’t been anything left to say. Bev sat on the bonnet of the car, overlooking the river below. Roy perched next to him.

“Did we do the right thing?” Bev said.

“Yeah, ‘course we did,” Roy said.

“Are we going to be okay? He’s not going to find us, is he?”

“I don’t know. All we can do is start again here and hope if he does come looking, he doesn’t find us.” Roy turned to him and drew him close. “Are you okay?”

Bev wasn’t sure. His body felt sluggish and gross, and he knew he’d been neglecting his hormones. There was a strange tenderness in his breasts he didn’t like. His mind held the bad memories at bay, at least for the moment, but he knew he’d have to deal with them sooner or later. There was still a niggling sense of haze over his mind, and he felt all he wanted to do was sleep. But he couldn’t find the words to tell Roy any of that.

“Yeah, I’m okay.”


	2. I'm Not Okay

It took them a week to find a flat, which Roy thought was quite miraculous. He’d thought it’d take much longer than that, and he’d been prepared to live out of their car. However, actually having a proper bed seemed like luxury. Bev had also gotten sick of the cold as he’d been forced to deal with the withdrawal symptoms of not having any drugs in his system. He had, perhaps, neglected to mention he’d been smoking pot every now and then when he couldn’t get any acid to numb his mind, and that more than anything had been hard to get over. It had been hard, especially when they were sleeping in a car in whatever alleyway they could find without getting moved on by the cops, but Bev had managed it, and Roy was still there in spite of the rage and frustration Bev took out on him. The car had not exactly been a warm place to sleep, and confined together in such a small space has stretched them both to their limits.

The flat they’d managed to find was small and run-down, but it was home. The street below was always interesting to watch and their neighbours were decent. Roy had told them they were just mates living together to avoid trouble. It also meant that, as their flat only had one bedroom, and they weren't technically together, Bev took the couch instead. The sexual revolution might’ve changed things, but it hadn’t made it any easier to be queer.

It was their first night in their new home, and it didn’t smell right. Still, they’d bought some dinner and decided to stay in. Bev hadn’t told Roy he’d only been feeling worse since they’d arrived. He didn’t want to worry him. If he ignored it, it might go away, and he wouldn’t have to worry about what his body was trying to tell him. There was also the problem that he didn’t know anyone in London, let alone a doctor who would be willing to treat him, but he didn’t want to think about that. It could wait. He was fine.

“I wish we hadn’t left,” Bev said as he curled up next to Roy on the couch.

Roy glanced down at him. “No you don’t. But it would’ve been nice to feel like we could go back there, you know, go home and all that.”

“If that’s the sort of place home is, I think I want another.” Bev sighed and tried to pretend he didn’t care. “So what are we gonna do here? We can’t just pick up where we left off.”

“Oh, I reckon we could give it a go. Don’t see why we shouldn’t,” Roy said. “You alright? You look a little faint.”

“Oh, just. Bit of stomach ache. I’ll be fine,” Bev said, smiling off the pain. He got up, as if to prove his point. “Want another?”

“Sure,” Roy said, handing him his empty bottle.

* * *

Bev didn’t sleep that night. He tried, but his mind wouldn’t settle. Eventually, he gave up trying and lay there, listening to the night. Nothing felt right, but where else was he to go? Back home where he would just sink further into the gutter? Back home with Jeff and Trevor and drugs and sex and music and his friends? No, he couldn’t go home, not now. Maybe not ever. It was a depressing thought, and he wasn’t sure he was ready to give it all up. Was it too late to run back home and ask for forgiveness?

Lost for anything else to do, he grabbed a glass of water and his journal and sat back on the couch as he wrote, wrapping the duvet tight around him to stave off the cold. The words did not come easily, and writing his fears down on paper made them seem far more real.

 _Don’t know when things got so fucked up. I’m living poor in London now. Roy says things’ll be okay, but I have a hard time believing it. I reckon all we did was run away, leave all that shit behind. Haven’t called mum, haven’t called anyone. Roy says it’d just give us away, but I don’t know. I don’t know if I like being so cut off and isolated. I’m no closer to being okay with it all. Don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I need people, and at the moment, Roy took them all away from me. Can still sometimes see_

He looked up suddenly as a shadow caught his attention. A car drove by, its headlights casting strange shadows on the wall. Bev walked to the window and gazed down at the street. The car was out of sight, but it didn’t stop him worrying. He wasn’t ready to admit that a part of him really did hope it was Jeff coming to get him. He’d lost Roy when Jeff had come along and even though they’d run away together, he wasn’t sure he’d ever get him back. They were Lennon and McCartney. He was just the drummer, doing as he was told.

After convincing himself it wasn’t Jeff coming to find him - he wasn’t sure it was a comforting thought or not, he sat back down and kept writing. He didn’t think he could rest until he’d got it all down on paper. Telling Roy was out of the question; he just didn’t have the strength to talk about it, not yet. He wasn’t sure what he’d say if he asked anyway.

 _His shadows still dance around my mind, and sometimes I’m not sure I’m still sane._

Bev shivered at the thought and curled up as his abdomen began to ache again. It was the sort of pain that made him afraid. He didn’t want to know what it meant, he just wanted it to go away, but he didn’t know who to turn to and he hardly thought Roy would be much help. Closing his journal, he curled up on the couch, fighting back tears and nausea.

* * *

Roy thought he was dead when he saw him on the couch the next morning. He was all pale and crumpled, draped awkwardly over the couch. He shook him, trying to rouse him. He was eventually greeted with a pained groan as Bev shifted slightly. Roy could stop worrying, at least for a while.

“I thought you said you were alright. You sure you're alright out here? Plenty of room in the bed,” Roy said pointedly as he sat in the armchair nearby.

“Nah, ‘m alright. Jus- couldn’t sleep. So I was… writing. Must’ve fell asleep or something,” Bev murmured.

Roy didn’t have the heart to argue with him over it. “Y’want some tea? I’ll go make you some tea. That’ll cheer you up.”

Bev figured that was better than nothing. He lay there, slowly waking up. He was feeling somewhat better than he had been, so he figured he’d be okay. Roy made small talk while they drank their tea and Bev wondered what they’d do now.

“You know, we’re gonna have to find some sort of work sooner or later. We can’t live off nothing,” Bev said.

“I know, I got it sorted. You leave that to me. I don’t think you’re up for working, are you? You still look a little pale, you know,” Roy said.

Bev brushed off his concern. “I’ll be right, I think. Nothing to worry about.”

Roy didn’t quite believe him, but let it rest. He finished his tea and set the mug down on the coffee table. “Okay, if you’re sure. You want to head out today? Look around a bit?”

“Yeah, good plan,” Bev said, smiling. Distractions were always welcome.

Roy smiled and squeezed his shoulder as he got up. Once alone, Bev reached for his journal and wrote one more sentence.

 _I wonder if Jeff knows how much I miss him._

* * *

Jeff didn’t blame him for leaving. In the cold light of morning, he was surprised he’d stayed as long as he had. There was something depressing about knowing he’d driven him away. At least, he had been told he’d gone. Truth was, no one really knew. But then Roy was gone as well. Hardly made sense for them both to be dead. Then again, stranger things had happened.

He wondered what he was supposed to do now. Should he go after them? Should he just let them go? No one seemed to be able to offer him any sane advice. If he at least knew where they’d gone, he might be able to find them, or at least talk to Bev, try and sort things out.

He found himself walking towards a small brick wall down at the end of the road. He sat down at a particular spot and rested a hand on a brick. He and Bev used to leave each other letters and notes there. Part of him knew there was nothing there, but he couldn’t help shifting it aside just to check. The brick slipped aside and revealed nothing. Bev hadn’t even left him a note. It somehow made things seem even worse.

Jeff took out his own letter. It had taken hours to write, and had gone through several revisions. Perhaps Bev was still around. Maybe he’d come and get it. Not knowing where else to look for him, it was all he had left. He just had to hope that luck brought them both back to him.

It felt redundant, leaving the letter there. It was doubtful he’d come for it, but he couldn’t help wishing anyway. He had nothing left to lose now. Replacing the brick, Jeff walked off, wondering if he’d ever find a note there again. He didn’t think so, but then again, he didn’t think Bev would run off either.

* * *

Bev walked down the street a couple of days later. He needed to get out, get some air. It was early morning, and Roy was still asleep. At least he had been asleep when Bev had left. He had spotted a phone box a few streets away. In spite of Roy’s paranoia about being caught, Bev couldn’t keep silent, not forever. It didn’t stop him glancing over his shoulder every so often, both hoping and fearing Jeff was coming for him.

Slipping inside, he paused a moment as he thought about who he should call first. He felt he should at least call his mother. He didn’t want to worry her. At least he knew she’d be awake. Feeding a few coins in, he picked up the receiver and dialled the number. He tapped his fingers against the glass while it rang. Soon enough, his mother answered and he could hardly contain his relief upon hearing her voice.

“Mum? It’s me, Bev. You alright?” he said tentatively, not sure how she’d react.

“Oh, thank God you’re alive. I’ve been worried sick. Where are you?”

Bev shifted as he leant against the wall of the phone box, wondering how honest he should be with her. “Er, we’re in London now. Don’t tell anyone, yeah? I just wanted you to know. I couldn’t stand you worrying any longer.”

“London, hey? Well, I do hope you’re looking after yourselves. I’m assuming Roy’s with you. He’s a nice boy.”

“Yeah, we’re fine. Hey, you wouldn’t happen to know the name of that doctor in London we almost went to, do you? I don’t know anyone here and, well, it’s difficult to know who to ask about these things.” He almost hadn’t asked, but he wasn’t sure he should ignore it much longer.

“I don’t have his name on hand, dear. Call tomorrow and I should have it for you.”

“Okay, thanks mum. I’ll call tomorrow then. Look after yourself, yeah?”

“I’ll sleep better knowing you’re alright, that’s for sure. Do you need any money, dear? I could send you some.”

“No, no, we’re doing alright. Thanks for the offer. I’d better go anyway. Got a few things to do. I’ll call later, okay?” Bev said, hearing the pips alerting him to the fact he was almost out of time.

“You look after yourself. London’s a big city. I don’t want you getting into trouble.”

“I’ll be fine. I-”

The line went dead. Bev hung up and left the phone box. He considered going back home, but he had one more thing to do and headed off towards the post office. He had a letter to send, one he should’ve sent before now. If he’d been thinking clearly, he’d have left it for Jeff before they fled, but Roy was too eager to leave, so he hadn’t had a chance. Maybe it might make Jeff come and get him, even though he hadn’t dared include their address, just for safety’s sake.

He arrived a few minutes early, and the Post Office wasn’t yet open. He waited, refusing the temptation to reread his letter. It might just make him chicken out. Roy didn’t know he’d written it, nor that he was going to send it, and he preferred it to stay that way.

Soon enough, the door opened and Bev went inside. It took little time to send and soon it was on its way. Bev left, wondering what Roy might say if he knew what he’d been doing. Bev decided it didn’t matter, and set off back home again.


	3. Dazed And Confused

Bev had gone out, finding his way through the winding London streets to the Marquee Club. Roy hadn’t wanted to come, but Bev needed to get out of the house, needed to be with people even if they were strangers, so he’d left Roy behind and went on his own. The club hadn’t changed since the last time he’d been there, though things had been much better back then. Descending the stairs, he went to the bar and bought a drink. He didn’t know the band that was playing, but it was early so he wasn’t that surprised. It wasn’t the 60s anymore. Things were different now.

Someone came and sat beside him. Bev ignored him, content to get lost in his thoughts. He had a lot on his mind, but with all the people around him, he felt safe. The club was the most familiar place he knew in the city, and he wanted to be in familiar surroundings. Then he heard someone call his name and he turned to see Carl approaching the bar, smiling warmly at him. Bev got to his feet to greet him, the sight of an old friend cheering his mood.

“Bev, what on earth are you doing here? You recording again?” Carl said, bringing him into a tight hug.

“Oh, man, is it good to see you. Me and Roy are living here now, actually. It’s the longest story in the world. Come back to our place and I’ll tell you everything. I don’t really want to talk about it in public,” Bev said.

“That bad, hey? I’ve heard a few things from back home, but I don’t know if any of them are true.” Carl looked him over. “You look like shit, Bevan.”

“I know. Sadly, I’ve looked worse. Shit fell apart when you left. I don’t even know whose fault it is anymore,” Bev said.

Carl brought an arm around his shoulder and led him towards the stairs. “Well, come on then, let’s get out of here so you can tell me the whole sordid tale.”

* * *

Roy was fast asleep when they arrived home. Bev peered into the bedroom and saw him lying there in the darkness in bed. Shutting the door quietly, he led Carl back to the lounge, stopping to grab some beer from the fridge on the way. Carl sat beside him and watched the way he sunk into the sofa, staring ahead at the tele.

“So, everything alright? If you’re living here now, things must’ve got bad. Wanna tell me all about it?” Carl said, sitting back.

“Oh, they got bad, alright. I don’t know if I’m the best person to talk about it either, there are many things I don’t remember, but Roy’s asleep and Jeff’s back in Brum, so it’s down to me. You said you’d heard a few things?” Bev said.

“I never knew what to make of them. Heard rumours from mates who said you were a girl, that Jeff Lynne was offering you out to everyone. Is that true? How did it get that bad?” Carl said, unable to believe what he’d heard.

“Oh, I was born a girl, alright, they got that part right, but I’ve always been a boy. But it was never something I told people. I kept it to myself. I’ve been having testosterone injections for years; I hardly look like a girl anymore. Roy knew, of course, but no one else. It just wasn’t something I wanted getting out. People would see me different, maybe even try to kill me. It wasn’t something I was prepared to risk,” Bev said.

Carl shifted to look at him, studying his figure. “You’re telling me you’re really a girl? No way. I don’t believe it. I’d believe it of Ace, but not you. You’re just too… male.”

“Oh, it’s true alright. Wanna see? Everyone else bloody has, I don’t see why you should miss out,” Bev said, getting to his feet as he undid his trousers.

Carl thought about stopping him, but he was sure he wouldn’t believe it til he’d seen it for himself. Bev stepped out of his trousers and stood there half-naked and ashamed. Carl got to his feet and approached him, a hand tentatively slipping between his legs. Bev bit his lip as Carl stroked him with his fingers, feeling a tad guilty that he was enjoying it. He couldn’t remember the last time someone had bothered to do this to him.

“Wow. You really hid that well, didn’t you? I’d never have suspected, you know,” Carl said.

“I had never planned to tell you, actually, but since you’re here and all, you might as well know. It’s the whole reason any of this shit happened, and-” Bev said, his thoughts cut off as Carl slipped a finger inside, just a little further, enough to get him wet and excited. “Oh, that’s good.”

“You want me to take care of that? If you want me to back off, just say so,” Carl said, trying to read the expression on his face as he stroked his clit with his fingers. It was the only part of him that looked different; it was enlarged and more penis-like, small though it was. Carl brushed his thumb over the tip, moving the hood back and forth. “How’s that?”

“Pretty fucking good, actually. Haven’t had many partners willing to pleasure me, to be honest. It’s not what I’m being paid for,” Bev said, beginning to move with his actions, pushing against him.

“Maybe it’s time you had another then,” Carl said, intensifying his actions.

“You know, I was always annoyed I never got to sleep with you before. You’d moved here before it all started. Go on, then, show us how good you are,” Bev said, grinding against him.

Bev wasn’t entirely sure why he was doing it. He trusted his old friend, certainly, and he was in a more sound state of mind than he had been in past encounters. Carl held him gently, still stroking him, and his kiss was like lightning. Soon they were back on the couch, Bev straddling him as he pushed inside. Bev liked that position. He had enough room to control proceedings, allowing him to control his pace and get just the right angle so that his clit got enough stimulation. It had been a long time since he’d been in that sort of position, able to do things how he wanted, and he made the most of it.

After a wholly satisfying fuck, Bev dressed and fell back onto the sofa beside him. Carl was still gently stroking himself, enjoying the post-orgasmic glow. They hadn’t used any protection, but Bev hadn’t thought he could get pregnant anyway so what was the point? Last time he’d seen his doctor, he’d told him he was most likely sterile, given how long he’d been on testosterone. Bev didn’t mind at all. As long as he couldn’t get pregnant, he didn’t care. Babies were for other people, not him.

Carl smoked, gazing up at the ceiling, as Bev lent a hand, rubbing his thumb over the head. It wasn’t long before Bev was going down on him, shifting on the sofa to get a better position. It was long and drawn out, unhurried, but Carl didn’t mind. It gave him time to really get into it again, making sure to shift the chipped ashtray within reach so he didn’t even have to move while Bev sucked him off.

Bev settled back once they were done. He grabbed his beer and drank slowly, glad to have released all the tension that had been building since they’d left. Roy hadn’t slept with him since, not wishing to complicate things between them, and part of Bev’s withdrawal involved going from almost constant sex to none at all and his libido, such as it was, was still adjusting. And of course living out of a car for a week hadn’t left any space to take care of it himself either. Bev had been this close to just taking Roy to bed, and if that didn’t work, going out to find someone to take care of it for him. He was secretly thankful he’d met Carl instead. At least he’d fucked someone he knew.

“So, how did all this shit happen again? How did you end up like this?” Carl said.

Bev sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I told Jeff, you see, because I thought I could trust him. And he did keep quiet. But, you know, we were here for a few weeks, they’d been arguing again, and I just left. I was tired of it all. I ended up drunk and shagging some bloke in an alleyway. I know, greatest decision of my life, right? I don’t know why I did it anymore. Just one of those things that happened, I suppose. I was lucky he didn’t fucking kill me.”

Bev paused, shifting on the sofa. The memories of that night were hazy, but he mostly knew what had happened. That it was hardly the worst thing to have happened to him was somewhat depressing.

“What’s that got to do with anything? You’re hardly the first to have done that. Well, maybe not the bloke part, but drunken sex in an alleyway, sure,” Carl said.

“Yeah, but Jeff wasn’t happy about it. And he only found out because he happened to pass by later on and found me. I don’t particularly remember that apart from the fact that Jeff was pretty annoyed about it. Got all concerned I was putting myself in danger and he didn’t want me doing that shit again. Said he had to protect me, that it was his responsibility to protect me, even though I’m quite capable of looking after myself. It was all kind of downhill from there. Everyone knows now. In some respects I’m glad to be away from there. I don’t have to endure their disgusting looks anymore. No one talked about it, but they knew. I could see it from the way they looked at me. I suppose if I hadn’t left, they’d have driven me out anyway.”

Bev stared at the carpet, twirling the bottle aimlessly between his fingers. He wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to go home and the thought depressed him immensely. Carl, for once, didn’t quite know what to say. Bev glanced over at him.

“Told you it got bad. I don’t even remember half of what happened. I don’t know if I want to either. But Roy got me out of there and that’s how we ended up here. I’m still coming to terms with it all. I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay with it. It was… sex. And drugs. I took a lot of acid. Smoked a lot of weed. It screwed up my hormones. I’m a fucking wreck,” Bev said with a sigh.

Carl turned to look at him. “Shit. That is bad. That was never your thing at all.”

“I know. That’s how I know how bad it got. Trevor gave it me. I didn’t know anyone else, but I needed the memories gone. It was too much to deal with. It’s still too much to deal with. Part of me wants to just settle into obscurity so I don’t risk anyone revealing my secret again. I don’t know if I could cope with that. Too many people know now. Someone would talk,” Bev said.

“I’d never have thought you’d be one to just give up. Maybe you just need some time to deal with it all first. Did you bring your kit? I could hook you up with a few people,” Carl said.

“No, there wasn’t room in the car. Maybe I should get mum to send it here. I do miss it,” Bev admitted.

“You should come play with me some time. Bring Roy. We could do old Move numbers again, just like before. It’s okay, there’s a new manager at the club now. He doesn’t remember how many times we nearly destroyed the place,” Carl suggested.

Bev smiled at the memories. “Yeah, we did wreck the place a bit, didn’t we? Ahh, those were the days. It’s so good to see a familiar face again too. I’ve got no friends apart from Roy here and I miss having people to talk to.”

“Yes, you were always more of a social creature than Roy ever was. How’s he doing anyway?” Carl said.

“He’s doing remarkably well, considering he’s supposed to be looking after me. I think we got all our arguments out in the first week or so. We’re much nicer to each other now,” Bev said.

“You got some work then? Keeping busy? Taking care of yourselves?” Carl said.

“I’ve put me name down in a few places, anywhere that’s hiring, really, but nothing’s come up so far. Roy’s been doing a few gigs though. We’ll need something more permanent though if we’re going to stay here long term. We’re barely scraping by as it is, and I promised I wouldn’t fall back into prostitution again, so that makes things less easy. Not that I would do that anyway, but you know, old habits die hard. In spite of everything, it’s not a bad way to make money when you have nothing else,” Bev said.

“Don’t go back to that if you can help it. I’d hate to see you falling so low here as well. Leave it to me. I’ll ask around, see if I can’t find something for you. If all else fails, you can crash at my place. I’ve got room for you if you need it, and I won’t even charge you rent,” Carl said.

“I’ll keep that in mind. You can have fun talking Roy into agreeing to it then,” Bev said.

Carl chuckled, a grin crossing his face. “Do I need to kick him up the arse again? Why am I not surprised?”

“Yeah, you were always better at that than me,” Bev said.

“It’s one of my many, many talents, Bev. Now, you got any more drinks? The night’s still young, after all,” Carl said, indicating his empty bottle.

“Oh, sure, be right back,” Bev said, getting up.

* * *

Bev couldn’t remember what time Carl had left. All he remembered was they’d shared one last kiss and then Bev had half-arsedly made his bed on the sofa again, curling up as he fell asleep. They’d had more than a few drinks, Bev didn’t think there was any more left, and they’d talked for hours, catching up on everything that had happened since the last time they’d seen each other.

It had been wonderful talking to him again. Having someone there, someone who didn’t judge him, but accepted him for who he was, made all the difference in the world, and he couldn’t wait to get his drums back and go play some gigs again. Carl had reminded him of how much he missed it, and for a moment, he wanted to be famous again, all worries about being discovered and harassed for being different pushed aside. Maybe, just maybe, the magic would happen again.

* * *

Jeff didn’t open the letter immediately. He had recognised Bev’s handwriting. It was postmarked from London, but there was no return address. Wherever Bev was, he wasn’t giving much away and didn’t want Jeff contacting him. Which, given what had happened, Jeff kind of understood. Still, part of him was elated Bev had bothered to write to him at all, but at the same time, he wasn’t sure he wanted to know what Bev wanted to say to him.

Since they’d left, Jeff had shut himself off from most of his friends, trying to sort out what had happened. Two of his close friends had left because of what he’d done. He wasn’t sure he understood why Bev had fled. He’d just been trying to protect him, to know he was safe. Surely he understood that.

But then the logical part of his mind kicked in as he went over everything that had happened, and he knew he’d done everything but protect him. All the arguments he had used to justify it all fell apart and he was left with nothing but horror at what he’d done. He wasn’t sure he could ever make up for it.

He kept staring at the letter. He wondered when he would ever be able to open it.


	4. Hang Onto Yourself

Roy woke the next morning and was surprised to find the lounge in quite a state. Roy had heard him come back from the club with someone, but he’d been half asleep at the time and just rolled over and went back to bed, content to ignore them. The mess irritated him and he cleared up while the kettle boiled. It was only when he went to empty the ashtray that he saw the money on the coffee table, a handful of coins weighing the notes down. Bev began to stir as the kettle whistled to a boil, but he was still half asleep and didn’t notice Roy counting the money.

“I thought we agreed you were going to stop doing that,” Roy said as he returned with a cup of tea, sitting in the armchair beside him.

Bev stirred a little, but didn’t wake. “Aye? What are you on about then? ‘m allowed to go out, aren’t I?”

“I heard you. Last night. You brought someone home, just to get a few quid,” Roy said.

Sitting up, Bev opened his eyes and looked at him, confused. “What? No, I didn’t. What’re you on about? I just went out for a drink, that’s all. And then I met- Oh. Charlie. Our old mate Charlie Wayne. I bumped into him at the Marquee Club. He'd heard some rumours about what had been going on back home so I brought him back here to tell him all about it. Sure, we fucked, but it's not like I'm sleeping with you either so I hardly think I should feel guilty about it. That's all that happened,” Bev said.

Roy raised an eyebrow. “And the money?”

“What money?” It took Bev a minute to locate it. “Oh. That money.” Bev had to think. He didn’t remember where it had come from.

“You getting money for sex again?” Roy said.

“No, no, it wasn’t that. Some of it was leftover from the club. I’d bought a couple of drinks. The rest… I think Charlie gave it me. Donation to our continued wellbeing or something,” Bev said, not entirely sure his memory was correct. He wouldn’t have charged Carl for sex, would he? No, that was just a once-off thing, nothing like before. And if Charlie had given him money, well, it was just a coincidence, surely. It wasn’t like they didn’t need it either.

Roy picked up on his uncertainty. “You sure that’s what it was for? I wouldn’t want him taking advantage of you like that.”

Bev shot him a glare. “How could you even think that about him? This is Charlie we’re talking about, not some random guy from the streets. And for what it’s worth, I’m perfectly capable of looking after myself, I know the dangers and how to avoid them, so you can stop treating me like a child the way Jeff did, okay? I know you mean well, but you keep forgetting that I'm not like you, Roy. I need to be around people. You seem to be fine with being locked in a room on your own for days on end, but not me. That, to me, just breeds loneliness. You've got a big family. Shutting yourself in your room is a blessing. But me? All I've got is me mum, and now I don't even have her. So you tell me how I'm supposed to be happy about this, because you've taken me away from all the support, all the family, I had ever had. So if I want to go out and meet Carl at the Marquee tonight, that's what I'm going to do. And if we happen to sleep together again, well, what’s it to you anyway? I’m the one sleeping on the couch out here, not in bed with you. If you want me, you’d better fucking claim me already or I’ll find someone else.”

Roy stared at the floor, avoiding his gaze. “Don’t blame me for getting you out of that shithole, then. No one else was going to save you. You might as well go back there if that’s how you feel about it.”

Bev sighed. It was going to be one of those days, he could just feel it. “Roy, look, no one wanted to get away from there more than me, I promise you that, but you’ve got to let me deal with this on my own. I appreciate you getting me out of there, I really do, but I have to get my life back now. I need time to get back on me feet and start doing things for myself, not have you hovering over me all the time, questioning my every move. And you have to accept that I’m gonna call my mother every now and then. I know you’re scared of being found, but I don’t want me mum worrying about me. She was this close to calling the police about it, reporting me missing and all that. She’s the only family I’ve got, Roy. I won’t do that to her. You should call your parents too, you know. Mum said they’re worried about you, running off in the middle of the night like that. Haven’t you even thought about anyone back home? I know I can’t go back home, but you could. They wouldn’t harass you.”

Roy shifted and didn’t want to admit to the guilt he’d felt since they left. He also felt bad that Bev had been forced to leave his home. Their home. Before they left, he had seen Bev get harassed at the pub, in the street, people who obviously knew and were keen to let him know how they felt about it. Roy didn’t want that on his conscience. He looked away from him, ashamed, sinking into the chair.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to snap, it’s just … you’ve got to give me some space, Roy. I need time to deal with all the shit Jeff put me through. I know I don’t always show it, but it still affects me. I’m still scared, still get nightmares, I keep looking over my shoulder in case he’s coming to find me, and even then I don’t know if I’d run a mile or run into his arms again. I can’t sleep properly, I haven’t even thought about finding a doctor yet, and I still don’t know what to do with all these memories in my head. I don’t even know if I’d be able to keep a job if I got one. That’s what I’m going through right now. I know you care, and I appreciate your concern, but just give me some space to breathe. Let me deal with this. I’ve got a head full of bad memories I don’t particularly want to revisit and I need some time to get back on my feet again. Start living my own life like a normal person,” Bev said, lowering his voice a little as he apologised.

“So what am I here for, then? Don’t you need me at all?” Roy said, trying not to look as sullen as he felt.

“Come here, Roy. Just- no, don’t fight it, just come sit here beside me,” Bev said, watching Roy hesitate. Roy did shift onto the sofa beside him and Bev brought him into his arms. “You and Carl are the only people I know in this bloody city. That’s what I need you for. I never said this was going to be easy, and there’ll probably be days when I don’t want to deal, but I’m going to need you to be there for me. I need your support. Is that too much to ask?”

Truth be told, Roy didn’t think it was, and he clutched onto Bev and whispered his apologies. He still wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do to help him, but it was a start. They would get through this somehow, of that Roy was sure.

“Carl wants us to come down and play with him again. What'd you reckon about that?” Bev said, changing the subject.

“What are you going to play with? We didn't bring your kit. Sorry about that, but there just wasn't room,” Roy said.

“it's alright, it was hardly a priority at the time. I'll see if I can't get mum to bring it down. Failing that, send me some money to get a new one. It's not like I can afford one for myself at the moment,” Bev said.

“You sure Carl wants to see me again? I did kind of kick him out before and then he moved away and everything fell apart,” Roy said.

“He did ask to see you, yes. It's not my fault you were asleep when I brought him home. Come to the club tonight. I'm meeting him there anyway, and you'd be welcome to come. That'd get you out of the house for a while,” Bev said.

“Alright then. But it's your shout,” Roy said.

“First round's on me. Promise,” Bev said.

* * *

It had been a few years since Roy'd been to the Marquee. Roy thought it still looked the same, but it was hard to tell. It wasn't like he had been paying attention to the decor while Carl had been causing mayhem on stage. Heading down the narrow staircase to the club, they were met with the raucous sounds of heavy metal. Roy almost felt nostalgic for home. Bev led him through the crowds to where Carl was waiting, leaning against the wall as he watched the band onstage.

“I see you managed to coax him out of the house. Nice to see you again, Roy,” Carl said, greeting him warmly.

“It's been a while, hasn't it? It all fell apart when you left. But I heard Bev's told you all about that,” Roy said.

“Yeah, he told me about it, alright. You're a brave lad for getting him out of there,” Carl said.

“It was hard enough with Ace. I wasn't going to lose him too,” Roy said.

“He's doing alright, last I heard. Trev's taking good care of him now,” Carl said. “Didn't you catch up before you left?”

“To be honest, I spent the past several months looking after Bev in between trying to keep the band going. I never had much time for anything else,” Roy said.

“Pity. I think they'd like to see you. I'll ask them to drop by next time they're down here,” Carl said.

“What are they doing down here anyway? Who're they playing with now?” Bev said.

“Oh, you'll find out if you drop by in a week or so. We should all catch up at some point too. It'd be nice to have us all together again,” Carl said.

“Yeah, that'd be nice, wouldn't it? Catch up with the old boys again. What'd you reckon, Roy?” Bev said. “Now if only I had my drums, things would be perfect. Then all I'd need was a band.”

“I've got your kit sorted. Your mum asked us to bring it down with us. It's at Charlie's place,” Ace said as he and Trevor approached the group.

“Hey, there you are. I'll drag Roy over to get them later then. I've missed having them around and I think it's driving him crazy. I'm always tapping on things,” Bev said, bringing Ace into a hug. He took a moment to look his old friends over. “Well, you're looking better than the last time I saw you. How are things?”

“We've been alright, haven't we? Trev's been taking care of me, haven't you? I doubt I'd be this good without him keeping an eye on me. Still got a long way to go, but we're getting there,” Ace said.

“He'll keep. Still slips every now and then, but it's not so bad as it used to be. You should've seen him a few years back. He was a total wreck. Took him a long time to get out of there,” Trevor said.

“I still get a few flashbacks and whatnot. Does me 'ead in, sometimes. Can't complain though. Used to be much worse. But at least what I did, I did to meself. You got it worse than me, Bev. You didn't deserve that shit. I was so angry when I heard about that,” Ace said.

“How did it all go wrong like that? Jeff seemed like a nice enough bloke,” Trevor said.

“I'm happy to recount the tale, well, as much of it as I know, but not here. There's enough I don't want just anyone overhearing. I'm trying to keep it as secret as possible here. I've had enough trouble for a lifetime,” Bev said.

“How bout we head back to yours then, once we're done here? Kinda digging the music here right now,” Trevor said.

“Why don't we go to Charlie's? I just wanna play me drums now,” Bev said.

“I'd be surprised if you remembered how to play anything, given all the shit you've been through. And I was there. You were really struggling in those few weeks before I got you out of there. Your timing was terrible,” Roy said.

“Yeah, but I was drugged out of me head back then. I'm better now. Well. I'm getting better. Besides, you won't know how good I am til I have a go, now, will you? And anyway, drumming's one of the only things I like doing. I'd kill to be in a band again, even with everything that's happened. It'd stop me tapping all the time, and I know that annoys you, Roy,” Bev said.

“Alright, but let's just enjoy it here for the moment. I haven't been out in ages. Then we'll go back to Charlie's. Maybe we'll do some old Move songs. I haven't played them for years,” Roy said.

“I would've played them if you'd let me, but you had other plans back then. Why don't we give The Move another go? I mean, you two are looking for a band, and Ace and Trev are looking to move down here too, aren't you? Maybe it's fate that's brought us all back here again,” Carl said.

“Reform The Move? I don't know, haven't we all moved on from there?” Roy said, unsure if it was what he really wanted.

“You let Jeff kill it, Roy. I think it's time we took it back. It was our band, not his. What'd you reckon, hey? I'm sure we could do some amazing things with it now,” Carl said. “Come on, Roy. You wouldn't let me have the songs back then because you were interested in doing other things. What have you got to lose now?”

Roy thought about it for a moment. There was something comforting about being with his old bandmates again, and certainly, they'd become even better friends outside of the band, and anyway, Carl had a point. It wasn't like he had anything else to do. What harm could there be in getting back together again?

“Come on, Roy, gimme a band to play in. I want something to do other than sit around at home feeling sorry for myself,” Bev said.

Roy looked at him. “Are you sure? You don't think you're rushing it?”

“I'll pretend I'm smashing Jeff's face in. I'm sure it'll be very therapeutic,” Bev said with a grin.

“I'm up for that,” Ace said, raising his hand.

“Alright, I'm in. Let's see if we can't make the magic happen again,” Roy said.

With a rousing cheer, it was agreed. The Move would reform, and Roy felt it was probably the best thing to have happened since the decade began. He was with his old friends again, and with their support, things just had to get better now.


	5. Boys Don't Cry

While some things had started to go well, other things had not. Bev was not feeling at all well. The cramps were back, and he wasn't sleeping well again. He wasn't sure what was wrong, but he had decided not to mention it. It's not like he was avoiding it anymore, though. He'd got the doctor's number off his mother and had bothered to make an appointment. Problem was, it wasn't for another couple of weeks, so he'd have to put up with feeling sick til then. His mother had even sent them some money so they weren't quite so poor as they feared they might be, and combined with what Roy was earning from a few gigs and a job in a music shop, it would do to keep them fed and shacked up for the time being.

Bev hoped he was masking how bad things were getting, but Roy noticed, and had spent quite some time coaxing Bev into sleeping in his bed instead of on the couch. Bev did quietly appreciate it, as the couch had become quite cramped, but it still felt weird as they still weren't really together (nor was he really with Carl either), and it just made him lie there and think of everyone back home he missed.

As for the band, well, while they hadn't secured any gigs yet, they'd been practicing whenever Ace and Trevor were in town, and it had become remarkably therapeutic for Bev. He liked being around them again, and Carl's basement was a great place to jam. He was actually getting pretty good again, though he'd need some more practice before he was back to his best again. His timing was still a little off. All in all, though, he couldn't complain, and while he kept his kit at Carl's, it turned out Carl didn't live that far away from them either, so he could go over quite easily if he needed to and bash on his kit for a while. It helped him forget how bad things were getting.

The cramps were quite bad one morning, and if it had just been that, it might've been okay, but what Bev didn't want to see were the spots of blood on his underwear. He had pushed all thoughts of his cycle returning from his mind, ever since he had been told he was sterile. Apparently, he'd been wrong. Certainly, his hormones were still a mess, and what little testosterone he'd managed to get, he'd mostly used up, but it didn't seem to be enough. It had been many years since he'd felt so disgusted at his body, and Roy had no idea how to console him. He didn't even have time to hang about as he had to rush off to work, leaving Bev all alone.

Bev stayed in bed for most of the morning. He was almost glad he was alone, though, as it meant he could cry all he wanted and not feel bad about it. He hated that he still had to wait another week to see the doctor. He hated that his body was apparently rebelling on him. All his confidence had been shattered, and he was left with nothing but bad memories and a body that was still not right.

He had never felt quite so isolated in spite of the friends he'd managed to find. He was far away from home, everything felt like it was falling down around him, and now his cycle was threatening to return. If things didn't get better, he'd lose everything he'd fought so hard for. His secret was out now. Was he really so confident he could just start again and leave it all behind? Surely someone would find out in London and then it would just start all over again. He'd be hounded out of town and spend the rest of his life on the run. Roy might just abandon him too. Maybe he'd get sick of running. Besides, Bev couldn't make him come with him. He couldn't force him to give up his own life and his own career just because Bev had to keep running. That was hardly fair. It'd leave him alone and friendless, in some godforsaken part of the country, and he'd never find anywhere to settle because everyone would find out and he'd be an outcast in his own goddamn country. He knew it would just exacerbate the pull back to the gutter again. When society rejected you, it was all you had left, to let people use you as they pleased and leave you broken and grateful they bothered to look at you. Not for the first time, Bev considered the possibility of just ending it all before it got that bad.

A soft knock on the door some time later caught his attention. He wasn't sure who it might be, who would be calling at such a time?, but he didn't want to show his face looking like he did. He had no idea who it might be and he didn't want to risk trouble. Someone would ask what was wrong and he didn't have the energy to think of a cover story.

“Hey, Bev, you alright? It's just me. Roy asked me to drop by, see how you were, cos he couldn't stay home with you. Mind if I come in?” Ace called hesitantly, not sure how welcome he would be.

Bev sat up and wiped his eyes, wondering why he was there. Well, Ace had just told him why he was there, but he hadn't expected Roy to send someone over. What did he think he was going to do anyway? Still, he got up and wandered over to the front door to let him in. Ace stood there, smiling a little, and Bev brought him into a hug, glad to have someone there.

“He's a bastard for not telling me you were coming, but I'm glad you're here. I'm not so good today,” Bev said.

“Yeah, Roy said you weren't feeling well. I dunno, he figured I'd be useful or something. Gave me the keys and everything in case I needed them,” Ace said, handing the keys over. “We've been staying with Carl while we're here, so it's not like it was much trouble.”

“He worries too much, but do come in. It's nice to see you again,” Bev said, ushering him inside as he closed the door behind him.

Bev went to go make some tea, but Ace sat him down on the sofa and said he'd take care of it. It felt weird, having him look after him, but when he thought about it, Bev really didn't feel like he had the mental clarity to manage it anyway. He was still upset, and still a little sore, but he was glad Ace was there to stop him doing some of the things he'd thought about doing that morning.

Ace sat down beside him and turned to face him, curling into the corner of the sofa. He still seemed to look like the last time Bev had seen him, back in '68 when he left the band. His blonde hair was still short, and he was still as skinny as ever, but there was definitely something different about his face. He seemed older, which of course he was, but there wasn't so much innocence about him anymore. His blue eyes looked a little darker and wearier, and his shoulders sagged, as if carrying an invisible burden. He hardly looked like the pillar of strength Bev needed, but there was some comfort knowing he was there.

“You're really a girl, aren't you? Carl said you were, but it's so hard to believe it. It can't be true, though. You're nothing like a girl. You don't even sound like a girl. I've heard you sing an' everything,” Ace said softly, studying his face.

“I'd show you it was true, but I don't really feel like it right now. My body's all wrong and I hate it, but I'm helpless to change anything now. I don't even know how to talk about it properly. My doctor doesn't really understand it either, but he treats me anyway, like how I want him to, even if I sometimes don't know how to say what it is I want. You can see the scars on my chest though, if you want. I doubt they'll ever go away,” Bev said.

“You got scars on yer chest? How'd you get those then? How'd I never noticed they were there?” Ace said. He thought he understood, but he wasn't sure.

Bev pulled his shirt off over his head and traced a finger along the scars where the remnants of his breasts had been. He'd started testosterone just as he'd hit puberty and while he hadn't developed proper breasts, there had been some growth there that had had to be removed so they looked more normal for a man. He had never had a proper menstrual cycle either, but the short time he'd had it, he had hated it, and he never wanted it to come back.

Ace reached a hand over and touched them, still not sure he understood. He tried to imagine what he might've looked like as a girl and couldn't fathom it at all.

“Did you used to have breasts? Is that why they're there?” Ace said after a moment.

“Yeah. Had to have a proper chest. It killed any sensitivity I used to have in my nipples, though, but I don't really miss it. It's a small price to pay for something that looks normal. I got very good at hiding the scars so no one knew they were there,” Bev said. “You don't hate me, do you? You don't think this is weird, that I'm some freak who doesn't exist?”

“You seem real enough to me. I can't say I really understand it, why you'd spend yer life trying to be a boy, but you don't even look like a girl anyway so it's hard to see you that way. I hate that he did that to you. I hate that someone like you can still get in trouble. Makes me scared. I'm not as strong as you. If the same thing happened to me, I doubt I'd have been able to pull myself out. The drugs'd do me in and it'd drive me mad again. It's so fucking hard to leave it alone. It's like a compulsion, y'know? Sometimes I can't stop meself. I don't always mention all the times I've slipped up, just so he doesn't worry about me. Pretty sure there's something wrong with me brain, but I don't know how to fix it. Maybe I'll never be fixed. Maybe I'll be like this forever,” Ace said.

Bev brought him into a gentle hug. “I don't reckon it'll be like this forever, not if Trev has his way. He'll stick by you, won't he?”

It felt weird being so close to Bev, but Ace appreciated his compassion. “Maybe. I hope so. I need him. He keeps me grounded. Like, okay, he was pretty shit at it before, like you all were, and I was pretty out of it meself, but he's better now. I'm better now. Sorta. I'm getting there. Don't know what I'd do without him either. It's beginning to get easier to handle, but I'm hardly out of the woods yet.”

“Maybe you should tell him how bad it's getting so he knows what's going on. Might make it easier to get over it when he knows what to look out for. It's harder for me though. I spent too long too drugged out of my mind to cope with it, and now I've been thrown out here and forced to face reality. It's terrifying. I don't even remember half of what happened to me, you know. I don't know if I want to, either. And you know, I can't even do anything about it either. I don't exist, so what does it matter? No one'd believe me, and getting anyone to admit to what had happened would be impossible. They don't want the shame, and I don't want the trauma. So nothing will happen. No one will be punished. I gotta deal with that too. I don't even know why I'm telling you all this. It's not like I've suffered worse than you. I think I came out of it saner than you did. And I'm sorry we didn't do anything for you sooner. We're a bunch of idiots, yeah?” Bev said.

“Well, it's hard to feel sorry for someone who's fucked up their own mind. I got no one to blame but meself. I'm hardly going to complain. You got it far worse than me, what I heard they did to you. 'm real sorry. Shoulda done something, right?” Ace said.

“What could've been done anyway? No one cared, not when they knew what I was. It might've been worse if I wasn't big enough to fight back though. Any time they wanted to have a go at me, and I was sane enough to think straight, I fought back. Never got beat up as badly as they wanted. I learnt to fight when I was a kid. I had to, you see, otherwise they'd beat me up instead. But Jeff never understood that. He never understood I'd learnt to look after myself and didn't need protecting. Roy got it, but he didn't. And I reckon that's pretty much the only reason why it ended up how it did. Cos I've learned to protect my secret with me life, and Jeff just held it over me, even though everyone kept finding out. It stopped being him introducing me to these guys to see if I wanted them to men buying their way into my bed. I was nothing to them but someone who couldn't say no cos then they'd tell, which I knew they'd do anyway. So I got used, and Jeff got rich. And he wonders why I left,” Bev said.

“Last I heard, he'd shut himself up at home. Apparently he feels sorry for what he did, but it's hard to care, really. Not sure I'd ever forgive him, but,” Ace said.

“To be honest, I'd be happy if I never saw him again. It's sad, because I think we could've been good friends, but he's fucked up any chance of that happening now. I just don't want to talk to him right now. I don't want to hear it,” Bev said.

“Yeah, I can understand that. Are you gonna be okay?” Ace said.

“Yeah, I reckon. Give me enough time and you guys around me and I'll be just fine,” Bev said.


	6. Last Train To London

Days passed, and then a week or two, and still Bev's letter remained unopened. Jeff kept staring at the letter resting on the mantelpiece. It sat there, tempting him with some horrible revelation. He knew it would not be a happy letter, and he felt he probably deserved whatever anger Bev wanted to direct at him. He wondered when he would be able to open it.

“Are you ever going to open that thing, or just leave it to rot on the mantelpiece? Honestly, Jeff, you're more pathetic than I imagined,” Hush said, coming in to find Jeff staring at the letter again, smoking as he stood in the middle of the front room.

“How'd you get in then?” Jeff said, refusing to look at him.

“Your missus has a terrible habit, letting your friends in to check on you without telling you. Honestly, it's been far too long, Jeff. The boys sent me round to make sure you were still sane,” Hugh said.

Jeff watched him, paralysed, as Hugh approached the mantelpiece and took the letter, examining it closely. “Yeah, I'm - fine.”

Hugh gave him a pointed look. “You don't look it. Do I have to open it for you? I don't need to stand here and read it aloud, do I? I'm sure you don't want me knowing what's in here.”

“Well, gimme the letter then! I'll bloody open it if that's what you want,” Jeff said, snatching the letter back.

“I want nothing more than for you to stop fucking sulking and come to fucking rehearsals for once. We still have a band, don't we? You can't just stay here sulking for the rest of your life,” Hugh said.

“I can if I want,” Jeff said petulantly. Reluctantly, he turned away from Hugh as he opened the letter. He didn't want to read it, but the thought that Hugh might snatch it off him again and read it aloud was too much. It contained a letter, alright, on thin cream paper. He found two pages of writing but there was no date or return address though, and his hand shook a little as he began to read.

 _Jeff,_

 _I wish we’d talked about this before it got as bad as it did. Even you should be able to accept it went too far, though I suppose I should be thankful I can’t remember much of it, and what I do remember I want to forget. Heaven forbid I should remember what you did to me._

 _I told you my secret in confidence. I trusted you to keep it because if it got out, it could put me in serious danger. This wasn’t some stupid little secret that didn’t matter; it was something that could get me killed, and somehow, you didn’t quite grasp the seriousness of the secret I asked you to keep. I didn’t even ask you to protect me. I didn’t ask you to coddle me. I just wanted you to keep my secret._

 _Truthfully, I wasn’t going to tell you at all, let you live in blissful ignorance, but Roy thought I could trust you with it, so I believed him. Well, turns out we were both wrong. You can’t be trusted at all, no matter how much you want to dress up your actions to make you some sort of protective hero._

 _Instead of protecting me by keeping my secret, you got jealous and possessive. I know, I know, you didn’t mean it that way, but for Christ’s sake, we weren’t even together when you found me in that alleyway. What business was it of yours to dictate who I slept with, all in the name of keeping me safe? You reduced me to a common whore. I hardly think that was in any way protecting me. You took all that money for yourself and left me with nothing._

 _I’ve fought my whole life to be accepted for who I am. Don’t treat me like a girl because that's not what I am. Just because I’ve got the wrong body doesn’t invalidate who I am. I’ve proved that to you a thousand times over. I know how to take care of myself. I’ve learnt the hard way how to avoid trouble and you should've trusted my experience._

 _Consider this the last thing I ever say to you. I’m not telling you where I am. You don’t deserve to know anyway. I’m safe, for the moment, and I’m starting again. Don't come looking for me. I never want to see you again. And to think things were going so fine until you started that. Thanks for ruining my life. I can never go home, thanks to you. I hope you're pleased by what you've done._

 _No love at all,  
Bev_

Jeff couldn't hold back his tears as he read it. He really had ruined his life and now that he'd fled and had no desire to contact him, Jeff had no way to apologise for what he'd done. The time he'd spent alone had given him much to think about, and he had come to realise just how badly he'd wronged him, but he would never get a chance to put things right now, not while Bev was remaining so out of reach.

“I'm a fucking idiot,” Jeff murmured, wiping his tears away.

“Well, I can't say you didn't have it coming. Not everyone was okay with your little scheme too, you know. Plenty hated you for it. You don't pull that shit on your friends, no matter what they are. Roy's reputation went against you, and they supported him over you,” Hugh said. “You'd better be grateful. I'm one of the few who was willing to come and see you. Maybe staying here for the rest of your life is a good idea though. Less likely to run into someone who wants to punch you.”

“You're not helping, you know,” Jeff said. “I need to go find him. I want to talk to him one last time. Where should I start? London? Where else could he be?”

“Could be anywhere. Maybe they were just passing through London. Maybe they've gone to Wales or France or something,” Hugh said.

“Come with me. You know your way around London, don't you? We'll get the next train and head down there. I'll find him, and I'll apologise, and try to make things better,” Jeff said, a sudden panicked mood overcoming him.

“I ain't going anywhere, sunshine. Your fucking mess, you fix it,” Hugh said.

Jeff didn't bother replying and went to the hall to grab his coat. Hugh followed, if only to see what he was up to. Still, at least if Jeff ran off chasing his old friends, it'd save him the problem of having to check up on him.

“Hey, where you going? I was only joking. Hey! Jeff! Come back here!” Hugh called as Jeff grabbed his keys and some money and headed out the front door. “Oh, for fuck's sake. For the record, this is not my fault.”

“Where's he gone then? Down the pub again, hey?”

Hugh turned to find Jeff's wife beside him, staring at the door. “Nah, I think he's heading down to London. Chasing ghosts, I imagine. I don't know when he'll be back.”

“I really wish he'd stop doing that. Here, you want his dinner? It'll go cold otherwise,” she said.

Hugh pondered the offer for a moment. “Sure, why not?”

* * *

It was dark when Jeff arrived in London. It was hard to know where to begin looking, or what he should do first. It wasn't late, not yet, but it had been a while since he'd been to London and he wasn't confident about finding his way around. He took a moment to think while he had some dinner, wondering where Bev and Roy might be, if indeed they were still in London. It was hard to think of anywhere else they would go. Jeff thought you could disappear in London and never be found if you didn't want to be.

The only place he was sure they'd been before was the Marquee Club. His old band had even played there a few years back. Maybe he'd find them there. He wasn't sure where else to look if they weren't there, but he decided he'd worry about that after he'd been to the club. Once he'd finished his meal, he set off, unaware he was going in completely the wrong direction.

* * *

The Marquee was pretty packed when Jeff finally arrived. He hung back from the crowd, trying to see if he could spot anyone he recognised. As he pushed through, he spotted Carl by the wall. Jeff wasn't sure if he should approach him. They had never been that close, but there didn't seem to be anyone else there he knew. Carl was closer to Roy and Bev anyway. Maybe he'd seen them if they'd passed through. Deciding it was worth asking at any rate, he approached him.

“Oh, it's you. What are you doing here?” Carl said, spotting him as he moved beside him.

“Looking for Bev. You seen him at all?” Jeff said.

“Maybe. Why? What do you want him for? Don't think I'm ignorant about what happened back home,” Carl said.

“I just - I just need to talk to him, straighten things out between us. I know I screwed up and I wanna make things right again,” Jeff said.

“You're dreaming if you think he'll ever talk to you again, you know. Last I heard, he doesn't want to see you. Why are you even bothering to look for him?” Carl said.

“Cos I'm an idiot and I don't want us to be like this. I need to talk to him. Please, do you know where they are?” Jeff said.

Carl thought for a moment. “Come outside, I'll point you in the right direction.”

Too eager to find them, Jeff followed him out of the club. Carl led him round the back away from the road. Jeff didn't even see the punch coming and it floored him. He hit his head hard against the ground and he lay there, dazed.

“That's for betraying one of my best mates,” Carl punched him in the ribs, “that's for thinking I'd ever tell you where they are,” Jeff tried to move away to avoid his fists but his resistance was met with another hard punch, “and that's for being a pathetic little bastard. You come round here again and I won't be so lenient.”

There were a few more blows to hammer in the message and then he was left alone. Jeff just lay there in pain, trying to find the strength to move. Part of his mind felt he deserved it, especially since he had foolishly assumed Carl would be nice to him. Why he expected anyone would be nice to him after what he'd done was very stupid of him, and he felt he might've realised that if he'd bothered to think clearly about what he was doing in London in the first place.

At some point, he wasn't sure how much later it was, he managed to get to his feet, leaning against a dustbin for support. Everything ached again and he had to fight off the dizziness before he felt up to walking. It must've been late as the streets were very empty. No one noticed him slowly moving along, stopping every now and then to catch his breath.

He wasn't sure where he was heading. He just followed the streets out of Soho until he had no energy left. Just before dawn, his legs gave up and he fell into a heap in front of someone's front door. He was too tired to go further and he let himself fall asleep.

* * *

Roy barely noticed the man lying in a heap next door when he left for work the next morning. He only noticed him because he was still there when he got home that afternoon. He'd known their neighbours were away so it was unlikely anyone would've seen him, but he was still there. Still lying in the same way, looking rather beaten up. Maybe he was dead. Maybe he needed help. Tentatively, Roy approached him and shoved him with his foot, trying to rouse him.

The man groaned as he stumbled into consciousness, blinking against the sunlight. He covered his eyes as he looked up and saw Roy standing there. As soon as Roy saw his face, he wanted to turn and leave him there.

“Roy? Is that you? Oh, man, I never thought I'd see you again,” Jeff murmured, struggling to sit up. There was a sharp pain in his ribs as he moved, but he was beyond caring.

“Get out of here. I don't want him knowing you're around. You've got a lotta nerve coming here looking for us. What makes you think we'd want to see you anyway?” Roy said, resisting the urge to give him a kicking.

“I thought - I jus' thought we c'ld talk it over or something. Straighten things out. Y'know what I mean,” Jeff said.

“How'd you even know we were here?” Roy said.

“I didn't, I promise! I just - it was just the first place I though to look, the Marquee, I mean, but Carl wouldn't even tell me either. He just beat the shit out of me instead. I didn't even know where I was going last night, head was all confused, an' I just walked til I couldn't walk anymore,” Jeff said.

“Well, I can't say you didn't deserve it,” Roy said.

Jeff struggled to get to his feet, leaning against the wall nearby for support. “Look, don't treat me like the enemy here. I screwed up big time. I know that. An' I jus' wanna make it up to him. I promise I'm not trying to trick him or nothing, I just want to talk to him. That's all.”

“Go home, Jeff. We left Birmingham to get away from you. Neither of us want to see you again. Now get out of here before I really get you into trouble,” Roy said. He was surprised he remained as calm as he had, though the fact Carl had already beaten him up did temper his anger somewhat.

“Fine. I'll go home. But at least let him know I tried to reconcile with him. I'm not heartless, I'm really not, I just screwed up and he suffered. I never meant to do that to him, but it just got all out of control. Tell him I'm sorry, will you? Maybe one day we'll speak again,” Jeff said.

“I'm not telling him anything you've got to say. It's over. Don't ever come looking for us again,” Roy said.

Jeff could only watch as Roy left him there and went into his own home. He was kicking himself for getting so close and being unable to reach him. He thought about staying, but what was the point? Slowly, he made his way back through the streets, accepting there was nothing left for him to do but go home and try to get on with his life without them.

* * *

Roy took a moment to forget he'd seen Jeff outside before he entered their little flat. He left his coat lying over the back of the sofa and found Bev in the kitchen preparing dinner. Bev smiled as he saw him come in and went out to greet him.

“So, who was that you were talking to down there?” Bev asked.

“No one, just some tramp. Sleeping in next door's yard. Thought I'd move him on before they got back,” Roy said, deciding not to bother telling him the truth.

“Was he there this morning? I don't remember seeing him when I went out today,” Bev said.

“I wasn't really looking this morning. I figured he was just settling down for the night. I don't begrudge him a bed, but still, not when they're going to be back tomorrow. How was your day anyway?” Roy said.

“Oh, fine. Charlie took me out and we went about seeing if we could find me a job. Get me out of the house, you know? I'm getting a bit bored being at home all the time, especially when you're the one bringing in all the money,” Bev said.

“I'd better be careful or he'll steal your heart before I get a chance at it,” Roy said with a sly grin.

“I told you that weeks ago. He's a charmer, that's for sure. Knows how to treat a girl right,” Bev said, happy to tease him a little.

“Him and his flash house, hey? I don't know. It's nice that he's close by as well. He can be there for you when I can't,” Roy said.

“I know, I can go over and play me drums whenever I like. It's great. You coming over for dinner tomorrow? Only Ace and Trev are coming down and he wants to get us together again for another rehearsal,” Bev said.

“Yeah, that'll be nice. We could do with the practice,” Roy said.

“Especially since we've apparently got a gig in a month or two. Carl convinced the Marquee to have us back again so we'd better make good on it,” Bev said.

Roy wasn't expecting that sort of news. “You're kidding me. We get to play the Marquee again? That'll be brilliant. I always did like playing there.”

“Better write us some more hit songs. You know the sort who scout around there. Could make it big again,” Bev said. “Now, go wash up. I'll get dinner ready.”


End file.
